Hello you crazy sex addicts! I’ve got another new boook out, and this time, it’s sleep sex erotica — with incest, too!

Basically, it’s about a teenage boy (over eighteen of course!) whose parents go away, leaving him with his mean stepsister. So, because the parents have gone, she throws a party and her brother says no. She basically abuses him and calls him worthless and says he’ll be a virgin all his life, which is just tempting fate, of course! Because, after the party goes tits up and she stumbles off into her room, he goes in there and basically sexually violates her!

Now, you might say this is a step too far, but I don’t think I have any boundary lines for what I won’t do nowadays! However, it’s different from the others because it has to be from the perspective of the rapist, which is even worse! At the end of the day though, it’s all fantasy and I’m all for exploring different avenues of the sexual psyche and all that shite! I suppose it’s quite a common fantasy because many women like to relinquish control and all that, but of course, in real life, shagging someone who is even your wife or something is totally fooked up! I’ve heard quite a lot of stories about women waking up to find their husband or whatever on top of them and all I can say is: what a cuntish thing to do!

In other news, I was so ecstatic when I saw a detailed review for my human cow story, my clit nearly jumped off and did a tapdance! I love being thoroughly examined and I’m well shocked that my stories actually provoke any thought! I mean, of course making it sexy is my main objective but I’m just thrilled that someone thought something more of it! I’m glad that people out there like a bit of darkness and twisted shit because that’s what I love the most, too! What’s the point of fantasies if they can’t be messed up and totally over the top? And believe me, it’s only gonna get more fooked up!

BUT, Sleeping Sister doesn’t have any secret messages in: just the sick, twisted shit! So, if you want a story about a young, VIRGIN girl being violated in her sleep by her vengeful brother, why not take Sleeping Sister for a spin? Or, if it’s too much, you can buy Take Me for a Spin, instead!! It has to sell at least ONE copy this month!

As always, I’m wide open — just like a woman’s legs in a gynecologist’s chair — to any thoughts or opinions. And make sure to sign up for my mailing list — it only takes one flicking minute! Another big thank you to everyone out there, and for all your sexy comments! Remember: keep on flickin’!

Hello you sexy readers, you! I’ve got a new book out, and this time, it’s forced human cow erotica!

Basically, it’s about this girl who lives in a trailer with her drug addict father, and this man comes round and her dad basically sells her to fund his meth habits! Anyway, so she gets taken away by this man, and he informs her that she’s to join his herd of human cows as Number 34: (that’s were the title comes from!!!)

So, he brands her with a hot iron poker right on the arse, sticks those little triangle things through her ears, injects her full of hormones, takes her to a pen, forces her to eat slop for weeks, milks her, and yes, eventually breeds her at the same time!

So, in other words, what real life cows have to go through, but with sexual fetish added in there too! Although, I’m pretty sure farmers don’t breed their cows themselves… at least, I hope!

This is basically just Dirty Cow but with a darker edge, and not to mention double the size! If you want a story about a woman being turned into nothing but a mooing human cow, only to breed and use, then you should buy it! But, be warned, the plot might only be ‘mildly interesting’, the actual book ‘incredibly poorly written’ and like it was written by a sex obsessed teenager! THAT’S ME ALL OVER!

God, I hope I don’t get any more SHITE reviews! I woke up to two from the same fooookin person today and let’s just say it really chapped my clitoris! I mean, for fook’s sake, if the first book was that bad, why did you buy another one? I bet you returned them as well, you fiend, you! Who the hell thinks that silly little short erotica stories can be compared to sprawling masterpieces of about ten times the size? It’s like trying to compare graffiti with the Mona Lisa or something! It’s a joke, but I suppose you can’t please everyone! Maybe these people expect the unicorn, minotaur, dragon, whatever, to fall in love with the main character and for them to embark upon some love story together? I don’t know, maybe I am just shite, but I’m not gonna give up! I’M SURE SOMEONE OUT THERE LOVES ME!

So, don’t forget to buy Number 34! I for one LOOVE it, I think it’s a masterpiece of human cow sex and stuff but be warned it’s not a novel or anything — I should put that disclaimer on everything! Also, if you want updates on my latest stories, sign up to my mailing list – it only takes one flicking minute! Thanks to everyone who buys my books, even those who hate them from the bottom of their heart, and especially those who’ve liked them: you’re making my dreams possible, you glorious diamonds, you!

Keep on flicking!

Hello all you sexalicious diamonds! I’ve got a new boook out, and this time, it’s CERBERUS EROTICA!

Basically, this woman has a boyfriend, and her dog’s like badly behaved and stuff, so the boyfriend’s all like ‘get rid, or else I’m gone’! So, she decides to get rid of the dog, because she’s got low self esteem and stuff and thinks that he’s the only man she’ll ever find: sadly, a more common scenario than you’d think! A lot of people compromise everything they have for a shag, for companionship, so I think it rings true!

Anyway, it comes to get rid of the dog, and she soon finds out that he’s not, in fact, a normal dog: he’s only the fooookin three headed Hell beast Cerberus! And, as you would, she’s shitting herself and the dog’s talking and stuff, and then basically, he transports her to another world, and tells her that she must repent for what she’s done! Repenting being: I’m gonna rape you and fill you with my demonic dog semen, resulting in impregnation with a litter of satanic puppies!

Yes, you heard: a litter of satanic puppies!!!

Well, she deserves it for being such a cunt! I’ve got no sympathy for her! For all the other poor fictional women I’ve made up who get raped by all manner of horrific beasts, my heart goes out to them, it really does, but in this case, I really don’t give a fooook! If I were the dog, I’d rip her to shreds, or trap her in some sort of strange dimension full of torment, where she can be eternally slapped by dog penises and penetrated by a cactus… or summit like that!

As you might be able to guess, nothing FOOOKS me off more than people who get animals, and then as soon as someone tells them to get rid, or they just can’t be bothered anymore, that’s it, off to the pound! People buy little puppies for Christmas and all that, but as soon as it becomes too much of a hassle or starts shitting and pissing everywhere, they’ve had enough. Why can’t they realise that animals are living things with feelings and emotions, too?

So, the moral of the story is: don’t get rid of your animals, because they might turn out to be Cerberus or some other kind of monstrous beast! If ONLY that happened more often, then people might hesitate to dump their pets like a sack of hot coal — or whatever!

But, if you do want to enjoy the fantasy of being thoroughly raped by a three headed demon dog, and not to mention impregnated with a litter of SATANIC PUPPIES, buy my story instead! It’s full of triple headed penetration, and loads of hot demon slobber — and not to mention dog JISM!

God, I’m starting to run out of levels to sink to! I’ve done unicorns and now I’ve even done DOG SEX!!! Is there any new lows I can sink to? If you’ve got any sexy suggestions, leave them in the comments section or email them to me — and don’t forget to sign up to my NEWSLETTER if you want all the latest, naughtiest stories! Just make sure no one else has access to your email account, or that might take some FOOKIN explaining!!!

But, for now, keep on flicking like there’s no tomorrow!

Hello, all you sexy little nipple tweakers! I’ve got more erotica for your pleasure, out in shops now! It’s Sex Education!

This is a story about a naive Chinese exchange student, who doesn’t even know what sex is! Now, I know that sounds stupid, but please suspend your disbelief! She’s from some sheltered village or summit, and the class has a surprise sexual health awareness class, and she’s all confused and stuff! Luckily for her, the little bint, she has her amazing teacher to teach her about it, HANDS-ON style all over the desk, and he doesn’t use a condom — he JIZZES inside her! Just like any responsible teacher would!

So in other words, it’s about a borderline retarded schoolgirl who gets taken advantage of by her pervy teacher! If this weren’t a fictional story, it would sket me right off but we all love stories about virgins getting shagged by forces of nature and teachers from time to time! What’s good for the bean is good for the heart!

I came up with this idea from hearing something about how sex education isn’t that good in China, so I just blew it out of all proportion! And, even more unrealistically, she goes over to America, and all of a sudden, they’re all sexually liberated and stuff. If you ask me, they’re probably on the same level in terms of sexual awareness and stuff, what with all the religious groups and that. I mean, for foook’s sake, there are probably some people who don’t even know what a CLIT is! Well, maybe….

So, if you want a good old story about a virgin Chinese student getting reluctantly sexed by her teacher, this has got to be the best one out there, and fuck me, is it long! I think my next one’s gonna be a fooooking novel! I can’t help it! I just get too into them, and I hope you do too!

Hello all you sexy little mares out there! I’ve got another story for you! It’s Dragonmuff, dragon breeding erotica! But, if it’s a monster, it’s pretty much a guarantee that the woman is gonna be ‘forced’ and made to have its children!

Anyway, this is a story about an unnamed woman who the whole village just calls Dragonmuff, because she’s ginger and they think she’s the devil’s spawn! So, when she turns eighteen, of course they sacrifice her to the dragon straight away, but it turns out the dragon doesn’t want to eat her! In fact, he doesn’t even just want to rape her! He LOOOOVES her ginger locks, and her fire crotch, and it turns him on like nothing else, so he has to make her the mother of his half dragon babies!

In other words: foooked up, but sexy and heartbreaking at the exact same time!

I could’ve just made her some generic black haired/ blonde haired bint, but I decided that I needed some ginger characters for a bit of spice! Albeit, a ginger character who is hated by pretty much everyone, but those fooking villagers get their comeuppance in the end!

And oh my God, I’ve just looked it up and apparently, in Medieval times, you were basically a witch if you had red hair, and they burned you for it! I just thought ginger people got a lot of hassle in modern times, but it turns out that I’ve been historically accurate, without even knowing it! This story could have actually happened (apart from all the dragons and stuff): how heartbreaking!!!

But forget about that heartbreak! This book is full of hot dragon on virgin action. He tongues her muff like no tomorrow, and then he sticks his tower block of a cock inside it, takes her up into the sky, and foooks the everliving daylights out of her: without her tearing to pieces! I know it’s unrealistic but since when have you seen a fooking dragon walking down the street, or maybe a minotaur int Tescos? My books are unrealistic as fook, so suspend your disbelief, and enjoy!

Hello you sexy beasts! I’ve got more sexy erotica out, but this time it’s TENTACLES: plant ones! I’ve already done tentacles, but that was with a man, and it was an alien, so this is at least partly original!

It’s about a hippie woman who chains herself to a tree in protest because they’re bulldozing her favourite forest for tower blocks. To be honest, realistically, if you did that, they’d just tell you to get out straight away, but she gets let off by the foreman or whatever and she’s there for the night! And, basically, she gets raped by a blue nocturnal flower with about ten tentacles! But that’s the punchline of about 90% of my stories: ‘she gets raped by a so and so’! You know it by now, don’t you?

But, this one has a bit of a dark ending, and you’ll have to buy it to find out! I always have to make it a bit bleak and weird even if it is just a story about someone getting raped by a plant! It’s also got some deep themes, like the environment and whatever — just like the rest of my magnum opuses! For example, did you know that Take Me for a Spin is an allegory about the dangers of youth and- oh I can’t even come up with anything, but buy that one too!

While I did try to make the woman one of those annoying organic obsessed bints, I do agree with her. People need to stop exploiting nature just because they can! I think more people need to stand up for the natural environment, and especially animals, because they’re the ones who are always getting fucked by something sharp and pointy — in the metaphorical sense only, I hope!

Oooh, and as for all this clitting SHITE about horse meat in burgers, to anyone complaining about it, I’d just like to say: you can file your clit/penis until it’s nothing but a triangle! Whatever that means! Anyone who eats the processed shite, why do you care because it’s got horse in it, considering you didn’t care before? I don’t understand! So, suddenly, just because it’s a precious horse, you’re all morally opposed to it? I’m sorry but if you’re going to eat that shite, when its not even GOOD QUALITY animal corpse, you can just fuck off about any ethical objections! You don’t care what you put int your body, you don’t care where it came from or what happened to it, but now it’s a horse and OH NO!

And while I’m on the subject of healthy eating, on the other end of the spectrum, I’ve just got to say: those fucking Change4Life adverts make me want to become an extreme alcoholic and eat nothing BUT shite! And now I find out the NHS is behind this? It’s patronising to the nth degree! Do they think everyone’s stupid, what with how the narrator sounds like a total nob, and the little clay people act like they’ve all had boiling water poured into their brains? If you haven’t seen it, or you don’t live in the UK and don’t have to put up with this shite, please looook for it online, and you’ll see what I mean! I agree with healthy eating and not just eating whatever shite comes in front of you, but for fook’s sake!

Well, that’s my lecture on healthy eating and concern for the environment over with, after that strange psychotic tangent, so why not buy my TENTACLE PLANT BREEDING book? It’s full of tentacle vine action, they’ve got sexy flower hoovers on the end, and she basically gets a sexy sap enema! Not to mention deep, SEXY environmental messages through the medium of a woman getting fucked and filled with plant-seed!

(By the way, if anyone’s wondering why I put ‘rough’ in the brackets for almost all me stories, it basically means rape, but of course, that’s a more palatable way of saying it!)

Well, here it is: the final episode of the family breeding erotica series, My Brother’s Baby! It’s My Brother’s Baby 3!

So, Victoria gives birth to her brother’s baby, and they decide to run away together, because their parents are twats, so they can get married and, of course, have more pseudo-incestuous BABIES together! Unfortunately, they have one final bust-up with their father, who basically tells them to fuck right off and die. What will be the reprocussions of that be? Will Victoria’s fragile self-confidence be able to handle the blow, or will she top herself: and do it properly this time? Or will she be… her brother’s baby? To find out the truth, you’ll have to buy it!

Right, now that I’ve finally finished this series, and I look back on it as a whole, I’d just like to say it’s quite fooked up, but in the same way, quite heartbreaking! This woman, and her brother too, to some degree, quite obviously have severe mental and abandonment issues, and that wasn’t helped by having a pair of clitting twats for parents! I think that finding out her biological family were all dead just sort of pushed her over the edge to suicide, and that in turn caused her and her brother to have this fucked up relationship together. Can you really say it’s so wrong though? They were only trying to find a real family in each other!

BUT, how would this really end? I like to think that these stories have this kind of ominous undertone, because this woman and her brother are just so desperate for a family that will never leave them, and they just want to keep having kids together. I see that quite a lot with people with abusive and neglectful backgrounds, like on those programmes where people have loads of kids, and won’t fucking stop! I think they just want a big family so they never have to feel alone, and it’s quite sad! Either that, or they’re just selfish bastards who are too stupid to use contraception! Who knows?

Anyway, after that strange in-depth analysis and critique of my own book, featuring lots of HOT INCEST, SAUCY LACTATION, INTIMATE TITWANKS, and of course, BAREBACK BREEDING, I can move onto something new! I looove writing the most fucked up scenarios, because it’s fun, sexy, and dirty! Who wants to read, never mind write, about a driving instructor having sex with one of their students?? (For anyone who DOES want to read about that, please click here and buy it! Please!)

No, I’m only going to get dirtier, more depraved, more in-depth! I know you all love it, and I do too! What’s the point of a fantasy if it’s not depraved and wrong? A big thank you to all of you out there, especially all you sexy bastards who gave me good reviews: I CAN’T BELIEVE IT! If you have any requests for me, please leave it in the comments, you insatiable flickers! Keep on flickin’!

Well, here it is: UNICORN EROTICA!

I was SO worried about releasing this given that: A) It’s basically a horse with a horn B) It’s rapey C) The woman in it is a paraplegic! I was worried I was crossing a few too many lines, and Amazon would just turn around and say, ‘You know what, Felicity Mcbean? FOOK REET OFF!’ But they didn’t, thank God!

Anyway, this story’s about a VIRGIN girl called Gywneth, who’s housebound because she fell off a horse about two years ago, and basically, she’s fed up. But, when a unicorn visits here, and takes her for a spin, she finally feels alive again. After all those months of not being about to ride on horseback, and now she has it all back again!

No, it doesn’t end like that! The unicorn takes her down into a field and basically says that if she doesn’t do what he says, i.e lay back and let him do whatever he wants — including FORCED impregnation — he’ll basically shag her anyway, even if she says no! AND, she can’t escape anyway, because she can’t walk!

It doesn’t get much more heartwarming than that!

But, she ends up liking it in the end, somehow. I personally wouldn’t like being shagged by a horse, and HORN-raped as well! Your muff would look like a fookin blended casserole by the time he was finished! But, in fantasy land, a virgin’s fanny can probably fit the Empire State Building inside it, so long as she tries hard enough!

I don’t know what it is with me and writing stories about women with disabilities getting shagged by demons and unicorns! I suppose it’s just because it gives them a bit more motivation to go along with it. Unicorn’s have healing powers, of course, so I thought it fit in with the whole thing, even though he has to ‘force’ her, anyway! Still, lots of people have to live with disabilities, and there’s no unicorns and demons to help them out. Maybe that’s the true meaning behind this story: that for some people, healing their illnesses is about as likely as getting visited by a unicorn!

Or, it’s just about unicorn sex and HORN-RAPE! Sometimes, getting shagged by a unicorn is just getting shagged by a unicorn, nothing more, nothing less!

I just wanted to say something: EVERYONE IS OBSESSED WITH SEX!

Now, while it may sound hypocritical coming from me, a person who writes about fisting doctors, getting ‘forced’ by your stepfather, and of course, having a kid with your adoptive brother, I still don’t think it’s right! There’s a time and a place for everything.

For fooking example, I’ve got This Morning on, again (why do I watch this shite?), and every five minutes, or so, apart from when they’re showing the stupid cunting competitions, someone says something about sex, or at the very least, makes some shitty little innuendo. This is daytime television, for fuck’s sake! No wonder kids are so fucked up about sex! And NOW they’ve got some asexual woman on!

It cunts me right off! Now, I’m not saying that children should not be told about sex and stuff, but this is fucking ridiculous. When I have a kid, I don’t want to be sitting there and Eamonn Holmes makes some ‘hilarious’, creepy comment about his wife shagging him hard in the bedroom (UGH!).

Not to mention everywhere else! Kids constantly have to deal with sex in advertising and magazines and stuff. Also, if you innocently type ‘fisting’ into Amazon.com, you get nothing but filthy smut (including my book, Legs Wide, the excellent and heartwarming tale of a woman who gets fisted by her doctor — it’s in shops now!).

Well, okay, in some cases you can only find it if you’re looking for it, but the point is, I myself DO NOT want the mental image of Eamonn Holmes flopped like a strange walrus on top of his wife, panting, sweating, smacking his fatty rolls against her, so hard that the bed’s creaking under the weight and the force behind his lustful thrusts!

But if you do want that mental image, why not buy my new story, ‘Bred by His Rolls (Big Handsome Man Rough Breeding Erotica)’ — coming soon!!!

Hello everyone! I’ve got some more hot erotica out now, and this one is EXTREME ANAL GAY HUMILIATION WITH WATERSPORTS!!! Yes, erotic pissing!

It’s called Own Goal, and it’s about a footballer who, for some bizarre reason, we’ll just use extreme stupidity as an excuse, scores a goal in his own team’s goal! I don’t know anything about football, or if anyone’s ever done anything that stupid, but this man is just fookin stupid — that’s why!

Anyway, his teammates, and all the fans, want him dead and stuff for bringing such shame on the team. So when he goes back to the changing room, four of his teammates humiliate him just as much as he’s humiliated them: forcing him to suck their dicks, taking pictures of him doing it, and then shagging his raw virgin hole — it’s got double anal penetration!

Oh, and they piss on him at the end: I just thought it fit in with the plot of EXTREME HUMILIATION!

Now, I don’t know if this is at all as XXX-TREME as I say it is, but I do know something: some football fans are fucking CRAZY! In my time on Facebook, let’s just say I’ve seen a lot of strange hatred from certain football fans, and it quite frankly disturbs me! They say they want to burn and maim people on the opposing team, and I’m not making that up. People take it all WAY too seriously. Whatever happened to it being a game?

Either way, if you’re into hardcore gay humiliation — and don’t forget the WATERSPORTS — then check it out! Still, it wouldn’t surprise me if this really did happen in real life, knowing what some football fans are like!